


One More Chance

by bjfic_archivist



Category: Queer as Folk (US)
Genre: Canon, Songfic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2004-05-15
Updated: 2004-05-15
Packaged: 2018-12-27 14:17:38
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,207
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12082776
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bjfic_archivist/pseuds/bjfic_archivist
Summary: Will Brian and Justin find their way back to each other?





	One More Chance

**Author's Note:**

> Note from IrishCaelan, the archivist: this story was originally archived at [The Brian/Justin Fanfiction Archive](http://fanlore.org/wiki/Brian_Justin_Fanfiction_Archive). To preserve the archive, I began importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project in September 2017. I posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator, please contact me using the e-mail address on [The Brian/Justin Fanfiction Archive collection profile](http://archiveofourown.org/collections/bjfic/profile).

I came to gather the last of my belongings and take one last look around the place I had called home for two years. As the heavy steel doors bang shut, I lean my head against the cold metal, tears fill my eyes and my heart feels like lead as I turn and walk away for the last time.

“Tonight it’s been a year, we met each other here  
Here I am all alone as thoughts of you go on”

I’m restless tonight as the walls of my apartment close in on me. As I grab my jacket and head for the front door, as I feel an overwhelming need to get out and breath some fresh air. Without realizing where I am going, I end up at the park where Brian and I spent many countless hours pushing Gus on the swings and chasing him around in the grass. Suddenly my thoughts come crashing down on me, forcing me to my knees. As I stare silently at the ground, I wrap my arms around myself and let out a sob.

It’s been exactly a year since I left Brian. We had come to this park to talk, to try and communicate and share our feelings but as usual I had been the only one doing any talking, communicating, and sharing. And as usual, Brian simply sat with his face a blank mask revealing nothing of what he may be thinking or feeling.

“I love you Brian,” I said with a shaky voice, but I got no response from him; just a stare. Instead of waiting for a reply, I continue to speak, “I think we need to give each other some time and space, to discover who and what we truly want. I will always love, you but I think it’s time for you to find out for yourself how you feel about us.” Again there is no response, so I brush a kiss against the smoothness of his cheek, and slowly walk away, forcing myself not look back because if I do, I know I will loose my resolve to leave.

Making myself walk away from Brian was the hardest thing I have ever done in my life. Nothing had prepared me for the heartache or the emptiness that engulfed me. Even though it was my decision to break away, it still wasn’t easy. For weeks all I wanted to do was stay in bed and hide under the covers. I kept hoping everything that had happened was a dream and I would wake up and find myself back in the loft wrapped up in Brian’s arms, snuggling, feeling safe, and secure.

There would be times when my phone would ring or there would be a knock on my door and I would find myself praying; “please let it be him” but of course it never was.

“Hear my cryin’ out to you, you said,  
“Never, never would I leave”

Here’s a tear from me to you and maybe it will make you hear me”

My decision to leave Brian was not made lightly. After being with him for two years, I felt it was time to move on with my life; with or without him. God, how I loved that man. I couldn’t believe that I was willing to walk away from him, but I was tired of feeling like his second choice or just another one of his possessions. I wanted to be more than a piece of furniture. Oh, I know he probably thought I wouldn’t leave him, and at times I thought so too. It finally became obvious that he wasn’t going to fully include me in is life and I didn’t want to wait around hoping and trying to get inside the walls that he built around his heart. Life had become too complacent between us, and I wanted more out of our relationship. Yes, I knew from the start that he didn’t do boyfriends and he didn’t believe in love, but there were times I actually thought he was allowing me inside his walls. But I guess I was wrong, because he let me walk out of his life as though I never existed. At night, alone in my bed, I whisper into the darkness hoping that somehow he will know how much I miss him and want him back in my life, but most of all that I still love him; always have and always will.

“I loved you  
You didn’t feel the same

Though we’re apart

You’re in my heart

Give me one more chance to . . . Make it real”

I loved Brian from the moment I laid eyes on him, even though I knew he did not feel the same way about me. After being together for two years I had hoped that somehow his feelings for me had changed. Oh I know he cared for me, but did he love me? That was the million dollar question I constantly asked myself repeatedly as I struggled with my decision. Did Brian Kinney love me? In his own way I’m sure he did, as much as he would allow himself to love anyone. He never said the words, but some of the things he did showed me that he cared, yet I had my doubts because I wasn’t always certain that those gestures were not done out of pity or a sense of guilt. Like the time he took me in after my mom had asked him to help me “feel” again. After the bashing, I couldn’t stand to be around people let alone be touched by anyone, but with Brian’s help and patience I was able to feel whole again. The first time we had sex after the bashing was even better than when we first met. It wasn’t just lust filled sex anymore, he was gentle and patient but most of all he showed me a tenderness that made me feel warm and safe all over.

“In a dream you are here

You smile and hold me near

And in my heart I’ll pretend that you are here again”

I often have dreams of being with Brian. In my dreams I always see me living with him, loving him and being loved by him. I see him holding me in his strong arms and telling me how much he loves me and wants to be with me. At times it seems so real that I reach out to try touch him, caress his face, run my thumb across his velvety smooth lips, and kiss them. When I awake, a blast of cold reality hits me in the face and I realize it was just a dream. It is always difficult for me to fall back asleep after having one of these dreams, so I lay there willing myself to sleep but all too often it alludes me. Thoughts of Brian run through my mind, hoping he misses me as much as I miss him, and wondering how he is. Is he eating enough, is he getting enough rest, is he staying away from the drugs and the alcohol, but most of all is he happy. What I always wanted for him was to be happy and to feel loved. He had such a crummy family life when he was growing up and that is the main reason he finds it so hard to love and feel love. I always hoped that I was the one that could change that for him, but I guess I wasn’t for he let me walk out of his life without so much as a second thought.

“Give me one more chance to

Make it real”

I pick myself off the grass and find the bench where we had our last talk. I breath in the gentle night air and start reminiscing about all that we had once shared. Even though our so called relationship was tumultuous at times, there were many special things and events that happened. Like when he showed up unexpectedly at my prom. I was so shocked you could have knocked me over with a feather. It was the most beautiful night of my life; aside from the fact that Chris Hobbs took away most of what happened with one swing of his bat. What I do remember is how special I felt because Brian did come. I know how uncomfortable he felt about attending a high school prom with a bunch of “f---king eighteen year olds” but he showed up anyway because he knew how much I wanted him there.

There was also the time he encouraged me to attend my first Pride celebration, I decided not go after running into Hobbs at the hospice. Seeing him really shook me; he had said he hoped I’d get aids and die. I was so devastated when I told Brian what Hobbs had said. He simply enfolded me in his comforting arms and told me that I can’t let a- -holes like that beat me because if I do, they win. As it turned out, I’m glad I did attend the celebration for at the end of the evening, as I decided to go so that I could leave him to his wicked ways, he surprised me by following me out of Woody’s. Grabbing me by my shoulder saying, “hey stud wanna dance. . . . . . . I promise you won’t forget this one.” I was so thrilled that he was willing to spend the rest of the night with me that my heart was ready to burst with happiness.

When I had trouble drawing because of the injury I sustained in the bashing, Brian had bought me a special computer he saw the graphics artists at the Vanguard Agency use to help me with my art until my hand became stronger. I was such a twat when he showed it to me, yelling at him saying that no electronic crayola box was going to help me draw again. I yelled and ranted at him but all he said was, “ so you’re just going to give up?” I realize now that if it wasn’t for him and Lindsay I probably would never have drawn again. Why couldn’t he come out and say what he felt about me; about us?

As I sit lost in my thoughts a smile begins to play on my lips and my eyes light up as I look over by the swings and see a tall beautiful shadowy figure. He emerges, and hesitantly walks over to the bench. “Justin, I. . . . ” he begins to say but pauses as he draws in a shaky breath. He seems unsure of what to do but he kneels down in front of me and takes my cold hands in his warm ones and starts to speak again. While all this is going on, I find myself holding my breath; silently pleading, “please Brian, give me, give us one more chance.” As if he could read my thoughts he slowly begins again, I can hear the tremble in his voice as he speaks quietly and softly; so soft I have to strain to hear him. “Justin, this has been the loneliest and emptiest year of my life. When you left me a year ago I wanted to call you back so badly. I wanted to tell you what you needed to hear and give you the kind of relationship you deserved, but I was too afraid. In my heart I knew you were right, but I needed to find out for myself how I felt about us. For months I would drive past this park hoping to see you but of course I never did. After a while, I realized that I would probably not see you again and decided I was going to focus on changing my life so that I could become the kind of partner you deserved to have and wanted me to be. I know it’s taken me a while, but you know me, I had a lot of baggage to dispense with. As Brian gives a slight smile, he pauses again to draw in a breath, but this time his voice comes out strong, clear, and confident; “Justin Taylor, I love you, always have and always will. I want you to give me, I mean us another chance. One more chance, to make it real.”

At first I thought I heard wrong, did Brian “I don’t believe in love” Kinney just say that he loves me? I look into his beautiful hazel green eyes to see if he is telling me the truth. They say our eyes are the windows to the soul and when I look into Brian’s I see what I have always longed to see; the look of love. This time I can confidently answer that million dollar question; Yes, Brian does love me with all his heart and soul. I respond by taking his face between my hands and lean in to kiss his soft warm lips, and whisper, I love you too Brian Kinney, always have and always will. Yes, lets give us one more chance to make it real.

This time I know it is real.

* * *

“Make It Real” by The Jets


End file.
